where do you go my lovely?

Let me reiterate that statement. I DESERVE to fall in love entirely.

I had a panic attack last night. For anyone who hasn't been fortunate

enough to experience such, this is what it feels like.

"Well we can always just make out instead?" It'd been months since

I payed him the slightest glimpse of attention and yet he was still

hopelessly attached. Of course he was still hopelessly attached.

There were more than a handful of men who longed to make me

smile and all I ever did was laugh. I am indulgent in things that

are not of my picking; Saturday Night Live in the distance and

computer screen rubrics, my body slowly becomes Numb as the

1970's. Mattress, eyelids clinging to stay open. Everything is

just the same, everything is as it's always been. And then my

mind begins to taunt me. Sweat dripping from my tongue and

chest. And everything is spinning, was I spinning as well? I

must have been, in some unmarkable sense. I contemplate

ripping locks off of my scalp or eyelashes that somewhere

in this mess became soaking wet. "This is not your fault."

I begin repeating inside my head, but there's no use in

arguing with something that made so much sense. "You

are so beautiful." I remembered my hollywood muse

writing me, yet what did that matter; beauty in a world

with so much suffering? My overlapping thoughts were

now typed across my telephone. Maybe one of the men

who lusted after me would not be asleep, and they would

compliment me and remind me how to breathe. And of

course, Tommy, the one whom with constant rejection

I've come to despise, was the only one who was at this

hour still alive. This made me sicker than I could stand.

I imagined him fucking a girl more or equally naive as

me and laughing at this entire thing. "A panic attack?

What a loon!", she would say and they'd take a hit and be on

their way. And soon I was dreaming while I was awake.

And now it is morning. Is it just the same?